Procrastination

Procrastination. I'm good at it. But it puts me way behind.

I'm procrastinating finishing packing and organizing because I'm gonna miss my baby.
I already do just thinking about it.

But I'm still going. I made a promise to myself to finish this and to learn from it. I need the time away from the chaos of my life and really want to spend time with God.

I just need to quit stressing about it. Just relax and go.

I have lists made for each babysitter and a bag packed for Roslyn and Gma and instructions for the kids and hopefully I will come home to a relatively clean house and not have a stress attack as soon as I hit the door.

I will be praying for safety, sanity, strength, patience, and my baby.

Getting Ready

I am almost geared up for my trip tomorrow and have most everything packed. I have to fill my ipod and charge my camera battery yet but I'm getting there.

My older sister came up with an idea for the symbol I'm supposed to bring. Patience. And a box/container of sand. Her creative reasoning was how long time takes to make sand and how it gets washed continually on the beaches getting a new start. Patience is alot like sand. It takes forever to make and is a continual progress but it happens.

So my goal is to gain patience and understanding of God and of my life at home.

Raising a Munchie

Last night DW and Ash came back from a long weekend (3days) and after about 3 hours of loud computers, tv, kids and chaos I left and went for a walk. My walk took me to gma's house where I sat and vented and listened to her tell me about her new project. Gma is learning how to make jewelry from beads. She went and picked out about 300 beads for this crochet project and then got frustrated 30 beads in because sometimes the wire wasnt holding the beads and she would have to start all over restringing them.

Poor Gma. She is trying to find interests in her life now that she is living alone and it is hard on her. I feel that she is trying to fill the void of waiting on gpa even though it has been over a year now since he passed. She watches Roslyn for me and is a blessing. I don't know where I would be right now without her.

We talked last night about how much Roslyn has done to keep grandma going and still active. I heard somewhere that after age 65 the spouse of a deceased family member is more likely to drop off and waste their life by not doing anything productive or with a purpose other than ending it. Under age 65, the spouse is more likely to date and go wild.

I want gma to stick around and if Roslyn is helping her stay active and alive then I'm all for it. There are some family members who frown down on gma for watching Roslyn while I'm at work and for really just being jealouse. I feel bad for this situation that Gma is now in and wish that people could just accept what it is Gma wants to do and if it involves one Great Grand Child more than someone else's - well, Sorry. I'm thrilled. My daughter has a stable sitter who also happens to be her great grand mother and someone who shares the same values and disciplinary views as I do. What more could I want?

Am I taking advantage of the situation - you bet. I would much rather have my gma watch and care for Roslyn than some stranger who may or may not let my child run wild and become a monster :) It is my right to want this and God seems to want it too or he wouldn't have provided a way for Gma to continue on.

Hoping for a peaceful day

So today has so far been ok. It has been two and a half hours since I got up and took Mike to work. The kids have started the chores they are supposed to do from their dad's perspective. So, onward and upward. Ash gets ticked so easy and pouts if something doesn't go her way within about five minutes. She couldn't get a lip n lock container open to put in the dishwasher and just cried and cried about it.

I didn't know what to do. So I told her to sit down and count to 10 and cool off. Then try again. She really acts so helpless but really she can do it if she tries. I know this and she does too. She just doesn't want to do something so she doesn't.

DW got up and he has to be reminded to get the other trash cans than the kitchen and to line them. But he is getting better. And he climbed in the shower with the dog this morning too. Now he smells like a wet dog.

I have talked with Mike about my position as a step mom and I think we may be getting somewhere. Eventually.

It is a long haul and not exactly what I planned on doing but I have to learn compromise also.
I am no longer able to continually remind the kids to do their chores I am to give them one reminder. One. THEN supposedly if they don't do what is on their chore list or something important like picking up their dirty clothes ...etc... they aren't supposed be able to participate in the next fun activity. Well, I am using the pool as a babysitting tool. I have another babysitter now and she seems to be really good but I don't want to use her if I don't need her. So I use the pool.

Now I have implemented the new babysitter as a punishment for days they could go to the pool. Mike gave the kids a time frame for getting the chores done. If not finished to my standards in that time frame I call him, report (tattle), and line up the sitter for whoever did not finish their chores.

I'm tired of placating and nagging and feeling like I'm yelling all the time. I need order and don't have a way to find it in this house. So I'm making do.

We will have to see how the rest of the day goes.

Still looking....

I am having a hard time adjusting to a life that I have no control over. I keep looking for a good time but end up so frustrated things aren't going my way that I end up depressed. I want things to go smooth but I wonder if I am trying so hard that it is going backwards.



I am a mother of one and a step mother of two. My little girl is a handful and a two year old. I struggle every day with wondering if I'm too harsh or not harsh enough. She is so active and in to everything but there is more. She is smart and learning amazingly fast - even for me. She mimics me and Mike and anything the other kids do. She has watched us cut and cook and sew and clean and she has to be big britches and help too. I think she is an amazing wonder and I would love to see the world in her eyes.



The other day I asked her if she had to go potty -(we are now fully potty training) and she said yes that she had to leak. I just looked at her and laughed. She repeated something Mike says everyonce in a while. I just couldn't help it but I tried to correct her and keep her on neutral words but she kept repeating it. I eventually let it go and she went potty. But she keeps me on my toes.



I don't have to worry that she will be behind in school or with friends as she is everyone's buddy and just so smart.



As for a larger part of my frustration this summer...

I have two step children. DW and Ash. 10 and 9(almost). I have only been married to their father for three years now and we keep changing the rules of the house to suit whomever at the time. I get frustrated and blocked and ignored constantly. I dont have alot of support from my husband either and his ex is back and forth on things all the time.



This summer we decided to give the kids daily easy short chores so they can learn responsibility and respect. So far I do know DW has taken to getting his done with a little prodding. Sometimes it is just about a distraction but mostly he gets it done. Ash on the other hand will ignore me. She will ignore her father, and she will procrastinate as long as possible. It is hard for me to accept this as I was raised with a firmer discipline. My responsibilities as a step-mom have changed about three times already this summer. I am given the burden of taking care of the kids because I'm home most of the day with them. But now I am not allowed to correct them from eating to cleaning. I can't "harp" on them to get their chores done so they can go swimming nor can I seem to keep my toddler from getting trampled without censureship. I don't know how to handle this.



I have accepted this new role as I really shouldn't be in charge of my step-kids who dont live with us on a regular basis but it is still hard for me to let things happen. I would rather stop it or make it happen then just sit back and wait until someone (my roz)gets hurt.



I have been assigned with a task of bringing a symbol of what I expect to get out of this upcomming women's ministry pack trip. I dont know what I am going to bring but I think it needs to be about inner peace and hope. About love and patience. And about me.



I feel I am lost and it is out of my control.



I want it back.

A Distance

I have now had the privilidge of having a close friend move home after too short a time. I am going to miss her.

Recently, my friend Nikki has had a close place in my heart and in my life. She has become one of my family here and really helped brighten some of my worst days.

There are many things I am thankful for though...

The calls for spiders invading her apartment...

For flooding toilets...

And laundry issues...

And having someone love me for who I am and support my life as I live it.

I will miss you Nikki and hope that we can still keep in touch from 8000 miles or so away.