Still looking....

I am having a hard time adjusting to a life that I have no control over. I keep looking for a good time but end up so frustrated things aren't going my way that I end up depressed. I want things to go smooth but I wonder if I am trying so hard that it is going backwards.



I am a mother of one and a step mother of two. My little girl is a handful and a two year old. I struggle every day with wondering if I'm too harsh or not harsh enough. She is so active and in to everything but there is more. She is smart and learning amazingly fast - even for me. She mimics me and Mike and anything the other kids do. She has watched us cut and cook and sew and clean and she has to be big britches and help too. I think she is an amazing wonder and I would love to see the world in her eyes.



The other day I asked her if she had to go potty -(we are now fully potty training) and she said yes that she had to leak. I just looked at her and laughed. She repeated something Mike says everyonce in a while. I just couldn't help it but I tried to correct her and keep her on neutral words but she kept repeating it. I eventually let it go and she went potty. But she keeps me on my toes.



I don't have to worry that she will be behind in school or with friends as she is everyone's buddy and just so smart.



As for a larger part of my frustration this summer...

I have two step children. DW and Ash. 10 and 9(almost). I have only been married to their father for three years now and we keep changing the rules of the house to suit whomever at the time. I get frustrated and blocked and ignored constantly. I dont have alot of support from my husband either and his ex is back and forth on things all the time.



This summer we decided to give the kids daily easy short chores so they can learn responsibility and respect. So far I do know DW has taken to getting his done with a little prodding. Sometimes it is just about a distraction but mostly he gets it done. Ash on the other hand will ignore me. She will ignore her father, and she will procrastinate as long as possible. It is hard for me to accept this as I was raised with a firmer discipline. My responsibilities as a step-mom have changed about three times already this summer. I am given the burden of taking care of the kids because I'm home most of the day with them. But now I am not allowed to correct them from eating to cleaning. I can't "harp" on them to get their chores done so they can go swimming nor can I seem to keep my toddler from getting trampled without censureship. I don't know how to handle this.



I have accepted this new role as I really shouldn't be in charge of my step-kids who dont live with us on a regular basis but it is still hard for me to let things happen. I would rather stop it or make it happen then just sit back and wait until someone (my roz)gets hurt.



I have been assigned with a task of bringing a symbol of what I expect to get out of this upcomming women's ministry pack trip. I dont know what I am going to bring but I think it needs to be about inner peace and hope. About love and patience. And about me.



I feel I am lost and it is out of my control.



I want it back.